The Worst Part
by eh114
Summary: Seeing Kara trapped in the Fortress of Solitude reminded me of what she said about being trapped in the Phantom Zone in 3x02 "Triggers." Chapter 1 looks at what might be going through Kara's mind in the aftermath of Lena's reveal. Chapter 2 will cover Lena. *For the record, I think both Kara and Lena are wrong in this fight, so don't @ me
1. Chapter 1

_**Being stuck, floating through space for so long, knowing I could never have my life back. She put me back in that pod, completely trapped and alone.**_

Kara stared at the Fortress floor, wondering how the familiar shine of the Kryptonian crystal could suddenly feel so wrong. The first time Kara stepped foot in the Fortress, it immediately felt like the only place in the universe that made any sense. It was a piece of her first home, a place where, even for just a few moments, she could let go of all the pain she's carried around since her parents sent her to Earth.

Though it was not of Earth, the Fortress was still _on _Earth, and being inside it made Kara feel like she belonged in both places. In the Fortress, she could truly be Kara Zor-El on Earth. She could say her birth name out loud, she could see her parents, she could take in new information in her native language. She could be surrounded by her first home while still smelling how fresh the air was on Earth, especially up here in the arctic. She could hear the birds that once overwhelmed her superpowered ears, but eventually became a welcome reminder of her surroundings when she'd wake up in a cold sweat in the early hours of the morning, shaken from sleep by the nightmares that came all too often. Even from the Fortress, she could single out the comforting beat of Alex's heart, something she held onto as she flew back to the place she worked so hard to call home. The Fortress let her claim two homes, and it felt so safe. At least until today.

Kara had been so excited to finally be able to show Lena the place on Earth where she felt the most herself, but now it felt so lonely. So empty. So unforgiving. She lost everything she loved on Krypton once before, and now it felt like her world was ending all over again. Just like last time, she never saw it coming.

_**It was so quiet. Silence was the worst part. **_

Sometimes, Kara let herself relive the silence of space when she was in the Fortress, but only for just a second. She'd take a deep breath and tune everything out, remembering what it was like not to have every sound on Earth buzzing in the back of her head. She always held onto that feeling just a little too long, just long enough for her to remember how long she was trapped in the silence of the Phantom Zone. She walked a fine line between the comfort of silence and the agony it could bring.

Now, Kara could only hope to experience the silence she knew surrounded her. There wasn't a soul around for thousands of miles, but everything in Kara's head felt _so loud. _The heartbroken accusations of her best friend echoed through her mind, each word cutting into her like a knife until all she could hear was "don't you understand what you've done?"

It echoed in her mind until it became almost rhythmic - a pulse that refused to give her even one moment of peace. "Don't you understand what you've done?" Kara did understand, or at least she thought she had. She thought she had told Lena just how much she understood when she broke down at the Pulitzer party. She lied to Lena, she was selfish, she was scared, she hurt the person she had sworn to always protect. She just didn't understand how much.

She thought she understood what Lillian told her two years ago - that when Lena found out Kara's secret, Lena would hate her. Kara understood that Lillian's words fueled her fear, helped her convince herself that living a lie was better for both of them. She understood that the truth would eventually hurt Lena, but she never dreamt that she wouldn't be the one to reveal the truth when the time came. She didn't understand just how close Lena was to her wit's end at any given time.

Kara tortured herself with Lena's words, drilling them into her head over and over until she was certain she'd never hear anything else. Eventually, the sound of Kara's breathing permeated the din in her mind. How long had she been hyperventilating? How long had she been in here? As she became aware of the panic attack gripping every fiber of her being, she realized just how bad this was. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, the kryptonite was beginning to take its toll, and all she had left was the sound of Lena's broken screams and her own uneven gasps for air. She always thought silence was the worst way to be trapped. Now, she longed for it.

_**I felt completely cut off from everything and everyone I've ever known. **_

Kara knew on some level that she could have broken through the ice holding her in place. Even through the kryptonite, even through the panic attack, even through the shaky knees threatening to throw her to the floor, she wasn't too weak to escape. Lena wasn't trying to kill her, she only wanted her to feel the same pain she had, and boy, did it work. Kara could have broken through the ice, stumbled outside to the sunlight, and eventually gathered the strength to fly home. At the very least, she could activate her comms, and Alex would come get her. The trouble was, she didn't want to.

Here, trapped inside the Fortress, Kara could let herself be crushed by the weight of her mistake. Nobody was there to help her, to get her out of her head, and she's not sure she'd let them if they did. Kara had spent the last three months terrified that Lena hated her, just barely holding onto Lena's assurances that they were okay. Now, her worst fears were realized. What was she supposed to do? Go home, lean on Alex, and try to keep living in a world where everything she thought to be true was a lie? Is that what she had left Lena to do? How could she deserve to keep going when she had hurt Lena so badly? How could she go back to the DEO and try to stop the monster that she had created? Had it really come to that?

As Kara spiraled further and further into despair, she realized that this is exactly where she wanted to be. If she freed herself, she would have to move forward. Alex would hold her, comfort her, and remind her that she is loved. But here, trapped in the Fortress, nobody could see how quickly Lena had turned her back into the shell of a person she was when she first landed on Earth. Here, she didn't have to go after her best friend. Here, she couldn't hurt anyone else. In the Phantom Zone, Kara was cut off from everything that made her feel safe and loved. She always feared that solitude, that pain that she never deserved. She's not so sure she doesn't deserve it now.


	2. Chapter 2

_**You came to see me. That's more than enough. **_

Lena told herself that she would never trust anyone after Andrea Rojas. It would be lonely, sure, but it would be easier. Every time she let someone in, she was left with nothing but shame. Lena r was cynical, calculating, hardened, and yet somehow able to see the good in the world. Or, at least, the potential for it. Lena wanted so badly to be soft and optimistic, but optimism had made her a fool, and she wouldn't do that again. Not until she met Kara Danvers.

In some ways, Kara was everything that Lena wasn't and everything that Lena wanted to be. She was happy, she believed in people, and she radiated warmth as if she were made from the sun itself. How could you not fall for her charm? Lena tried to dismiss Kara's overly chipper demeanor as a front – a ruse to get Lena to let her in so Kara could hurt her like everyone else had. It would have been so easy if Lena hadn't seen, no, felt, what was under Kara's sunny exterior.

Something about Kara made it so any room she entered felt lighter, but somehow Lena knew that Kara was not to be underestimated. With her warmth came a commanding presence that made Lena feel safe in a way that she never had before. Somehow, she knew Kara, in all her charm, would protect her to the death. Lena knew a personality like that wasn't just born – it was made. She didn't know what it was, but she could just tell that Kara had been through hell and had somehow chosen to be happy anyway, to be _good._This was a woman who wasn't scared of anything, because she had already seen everything.

Letting Kara in was, or at least Lena thought, the best decision she had ever made. Kara defended her day in and day out, she checked on her, she made her laugh, and, most of all, she made her feel like she might deserve a family. Lena learned bits and pieces of Kara's story – her parents had died a dozen years ago, and she was adopted by the Danvers family. She suspected that some of the steel beneath Kara's whimsy must have come from Alex. Lena never pried, but she knew that Kara had spent most of her life with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Lena felt a kinship with Kara, and, soon enough, seeing Kara became the only way reason that Lena had to fight against the demons that Lena could feel constantly on her heels.

_**When Lex was arrested, my mother was there. My mother saw her son dragged, bleeding and raving from her house, and when I got there, Lillian was tidying his room like he'd been away on a business trip. That's how I feel. Cold and calm. **_

When Lex told Lena that Kara Danvers was Supergirl, it was as if the breath was stolen from her lungs. She couldn't speak, she couldn't move, she couldn't believe that this was happening _again_. Lena felt like she had poured her last ounce of humanity into trusting Kara. She told Kara over and over again about how much it hurt to be lied to, to be taken for a fool, and Kara had been lying to her since day one. Even Lex had started out honest. Even Lillian.

Lena analyzed every moment she had ever shared with Kara. The interviews, the lunch dates, the nights that Kara would show up to Lena's office after midnight just because she knew Lena hadn't gone home and probably needed a break. She thought about every time Supergirl had saved her, every argument she had with Supergirl about Kryptonite, every time Supergirl leaned on her to help save the world. As hard as she tried, Lena couldn't think of those two as the same person. One was so happy, so safe, and the other had a strength that could fool millions and a hubris that it seemed only Lena could see.

The more Lena thought about it, the more she was certain this would kill her. She loved Kara Danvers, and she had even warmed back up to Supergirl. Lena tried to convince herself that Kara was right to keep her secret, that it was hers to tell, that she must have had a good reason. But every time Lena searched her soul for that reason, she only came up with one thing - because she's a Luthor. After all this time, Kara was just like everyone else, judging her by her name and not her intentions.

Lena only knew one way to cope with the unimaginable pain that has followed her around her entire life. If she stopped to let herself feel the weight of this betrayal, to consider all of the reasons why, to try to reconcile it in her mind, she would crumble. She wasn't going to let herself feel this. Through everything, Lena never stopped trying to be good, and still people hurt her. It's as if people were destined to disappoint each other. _Maybe it's not about my intentions. Maybe humans and aliens alike are flawed at their very core. Maybe they are programmed to hurt each other. I can fix it. I will fix it. _

_**Loss does strange things to my family, and I have lost a lot of people. I think, when I feel things again, I'm going to be very, very afraid about the person I might be. **_

Lena tried to put on a brave face at first, to keep up appearances even though every molecule of trust she had in her friends bled out with her brother. She showed up to game night, she scheduled lunches with Kara, she even tried to let herself feel good when she was with her friends, but all she could think about was the fact that they were still lying to her. She packed her little boxes so tight and shoved them so far down that all that was left was an empty space. There was nothing, _no one_, left to fill it.

Lena was genuinely surprised when Kara broke down at the Pulitzer party. She never thought Kara would trust her with that secret. She was, for a moment, almost happy? She had a chance to let everything go, talk to Kara, share how much she was hurting and try to move forward. She could unpack her little boxes. As much as Lena wanted, for a brief moment, to embrace this chance, it was too late. Now that Lena had determined that the problem wasn't people, but programming, she knew it was only a matter of time until she was hurt again. Project Non Nocere was the only thing Lena had to hold onto over the last two months while she suffered in silence, and she wasn't going to give it up now.

Isolation is a fantastic tool. The more Lena saw her friends, the more they called on her for help at the DEO, the harder it was to forget the feelings she once had for them. If she threw herself into her work, speaking only with an Artificial Intelligence of her own creation, she didn't have to argue with herself about what she wanted. She could tell herself that people were broken, that she could fix them, and that anything else was a waste of time.

The thing about boxes is that they never seem to stay closed. As hard as Lena tried to will them away, to revel in the emptiness she put in their place, they were always going to spill over. Seeing Kara in the Fortress of Solitude, so completely at home and comfortable in her skin, hearing her call herself Kara Zor-El, was too much for Lena. That pile of boxes labeled Kara Danvers came crashing down, and all Lena could feel was grief for a friend that, as far as she was concerned, never existed. She had planned to find the technology she needed to launch Non Nocere and leave quietly, to let Kara figure it out on her own just a little bit too late. She could have gotten away with it, but she was weak. Lena saw Kara struggling against Rama Khan, and as much as she tried, she couldn't let Kara get hurt. She wasn't a villain. Goodness, or the illusion of it, was all she had left. She had to help.

When Rama Khan was gone, Lena knew she had wasted her chance for a clean getaway. She knew the confrontation was coming, and she no longer had the resolve to keep her feelings at bay. Here she was, surrounded by Krypton, facing her best friend, who had kept a whole life, a whole _world, _from Lena for years. It was too much. She could feel again, and she hated the person she had become.


End file.
